carving my pumpkin

Last week I started the character assembly school year off. I love the opportunities I have to invest in children all over my community. I crunched the number of students I work with in a month-about 1400! I am in awe of this. You never know where the journey will take you.

But I don't remember what it feels like not to be tired...there is always more to do. Another topic needs developed. A better story needs written. The science experiments need tweaked. Another school needs contacted. I want to read my bible and pray. I need to work out. I need to do some laundry. My refrigerator is empty. I want to spend some time with my friends. You know how this goes!

I started carving out my days to look like they need to instead of how I want them to look. It's a huge discipline! I'm not wired this way! My mom is the queen of lists. For holiday dinners, she uses lined index cards for each part of the event so she doesn't forget anything....but if I want to make the best of each day and find rest at the end of it....

I would liken this process to the carving of my pumpkin. First, I attempt to draw an outline on the exterior of the pumpkin. It's a little tricky because of the contour of the pumpkin but thankfully I'm going to chop all of that off anyways! Then you begin with the top, trying to get the lid off so you can get the guts out of your creation. It takes a moment to remove what doesn't belong, but I get it done. I might gag a little because I don't like the slimy stuff, but I throw it away as soon as I can, never to be seen again. Next, I get my knife and attempt to create a piece of art unlike any I have ever seen. I have to re angle the knife to get the cut just right. The pumpkin slides aways from me because I lose my grip, but I get my bearings again. At the end of the process, I remember it's just a pumpkin. It's not the end of the world! All I can do is my best and try again next time.

I'm going to keep working at the discipline of being the me I am supposed to be.

the weser adventure

It all happened in a few short moments. Someone said there was a need and I felt compelled to meet it. Friends were taking a 9 day business trip and needed someone to look after their three kids and two dogs while they were gone. I looked at my calendar and there was nothing pressing on it to keep me from pitching in. After all, that's what I do-pitch in.

Joe & Angela Weser are on a road to becoming the Chi Alpha directors at my college Alma mater, Youngstown State University. This trip was their induction, interview and empowerment to do this incredible task. I love the Weser's and I love my community. The least I could do was care for their family.

The kids are great! So full of energy and life! I wanted to keep their routines in place so life as they know it would go on, but with a different adult in the helm.  We went to soccer games, did homework, kept bedtimes and went to church.  I asked them some of their favorite places to go and they filled me in. Most of them are not places I frequent, but I wanted to please them so I caved.

Little did I know how this trip would change me. Strangely, I came face to face with two families I met while at YSU. They weren't families then, but we were part of each other's lives. I think each time I would think about them over the years regret was a big part of the memory.

After church on Sunday, we went to Taco Bell. I don't think Tony & I have ever gone to Taco Bell together in the 16 plus years we've been together. We all stood in line to put in our order. The kids grabbed their drink cups to fill up on whatever caffeinated beverage they could find. I looked up as I waited for the food and found myself standing next to a college boyfriend. When we graduated from college, I realized that I needed to get my priorities straight and decided to follow Jesus with all of my heart. I tried to drag him along with me, but he let me know that wasn't going to happen. Not long after this, he began dating one of my dearest college friends. They got married and have two beautiful kids together. I lost touch with her for too many years. I said hello to him and he just looked at me, puzzled. He didn't recognize me. I actually said, "It's Lori." When I said this, he said, "Did you see Kim?" I smiled while he got Kim's attention. I got to catch up with her and I'm sure we'll get together soon.

I always felt terrible for the "christian impression" I left on him. I always wondered in the back of my mind if he would have decided to let Jesus fill up the hurts and holes in his heart if I had not been so offensive and aggressive. Regret is a terrible thing to carry around.

Later Sunday afternoon, one of the kids was getting a ride to a soccer game. The driver just happened to be another college friend. Well, he was more than a friend. He was my fiance'. I found it a little hard to breathe in that moment because, again, the regret I felt regarding the way I treated him when I ended our relationship. I knew I couldn't marry him but, I didn't show him the love that Jesus would have wanted me to show him. I don't think I knew how to show anyone the love that Jesus would want me to show them at that point in my life. He smiled at me and gave a good wave to me. I have a had a few encounters with him over the years and we have cordially talked, but again, I walked away with the gnawing feeling in my gut of regret.

Later in the week, late at night while letting the dogs out, I had a talk with the Lord about this ridiculous experience I had on Sunday. I pretty much cried out and said to Him, "Why in the world would I come face to face with both of these people in one day! I wouldn't have seen either of them if I wasn't with these kids! Ugh! You know how I feel about what I did. How long do I have to feel like this, Lord? I can't change the past!" And the Holy Spirit cried out to me and said, "But look at how I have changed you!" I rested in that thought for a few moments and felt a release that I needed for so long. I felt assured that the past mistakes had been forgiven. The results of drawing those people to Jesus was not on my shoulders. The actions I show them now and in the future are my responsibility.

The Weser's came home from their trip last night and I was so very excited to see the change in them, the passion they have to get on that campus, and the love they have for their family! I wondered for a moment if someone like them had been on my campus when I was there, would I have made the same life choices I did. I am praying for them to impact young adults in our community to follow Jesus as they develop their gifts and abilities in their schooling.

I am so excited about this unexpected change in me from this trip! When I agreed to babysit, I never thought I would have a transformation in me.  Forgetting what is behind and pressing toward the mark of who Jesus has asked me to be! I feel free.

the stress of needing the password

For some reason, I have not been able to sign into my blog site for the past couple of weeks. I also have not pursued the answer to why that has been the case. So I spent a few neccessary moments taking care of this today.

Every account I have on the internet requires a password. It is overwhelming trying to keep track of them all...which email did I use for the account...did I use all caps for this one....am I being cryptic enough not to give away all of my identity and money!

Some days I think I'd like to have the chip in my hand to sign in easily into everything. I don't care about the information that is no longer private, just make the journey easier PLEASE!!!!!

I'm so very glad I don't have to log in on a sign in screen every single time I want to connect to God! It's a constant state of mind for me. I am thankful for this, as well.

I don't have to be cryptic with God in the things I say. I don't have to worry about giving away the details. He's interested in the details of me. He loves me. He cares about me. He wants the best for me. He wants me to succeed. He wants me to follow Him. He mapped out the journey for me. He created my identity.

Lord, help me to remember that my all is wrapped up in You! You wrapped it up for me. Thanks that You are always there when I need to sign in with you. Thanks that I don't have to jump through hoops or go through multiple sign in screens to connect to you!  Thanks that you care so very much about the details of me! Help me not to give away the identity You gave to me! I'm really starting to love the me You've made me to be :)

going through the tunnel...

Yesterday, I was driving through downtown Pittsburgh and I got to drive through the Liberty Tunnel. I love to go through the Liberty Tunnel. When I was a child, we would travel through the tunnel when we would visit my grandparents. There's just something so cool about being in the middle of the mountain, being in the stream of vehicles, and seeing the small light at the end get bigger and bigger.


The thrill got a little different as I became the driver. I'll never forget the first time I was controlling the car. My dad sat next to me and coached me through the experience. "First, keep your eyes on your lane. Don't worry about anyone else. If you stay in your lane, you'll be safe. Second, maintain your speed. Don't slow down and don't speed up. How you start is how you should finish. Third, always keep your lights on. Whether it's day or night, you need to understand that others cannot see you the same inside the tunnel as outside." We made it through, although I'm sure that I was not able to let go of the steering wheel for a while because of the stress I felt as I had this new experience.


One thing I've learned about driving through the tunnel is that there always is a light at the end. The darkness inside the tunnel is haunting and daunting. But when I kept my eyes on the vehicle in front of me, I could eventually see the light at the end.


When we would go to Virginia Beach on vacation, we would travel in a tunnel underneath the water. One thing I looked forward to was the smell of the ocean when we got to the other side. I can almost smell it now as I'm typing. I think I looked forward to the smell at the end even more than the light.

Whatever the experience is going through the tunnel, there is a difference in you when you get the other side. We sang an older chorus today during our worship service: Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus. One of the lines is, "And the things of life will grow strangly dim in the light of Your glory and grace." I pondered the tunnel experience to my experience of walking with Jesus. In my life, there is trouble. There is unhappiness and pain. But these things fade in comparison to the amazing grace and glory of Jesus.

If you find yourself stuck in the middle of the tunnel, unable to see the light or smell the salt air at the end, change your focal point. Turn your eyes upon Jesus. He's more than a character from a story. He's real and He loves us so very much. His amazing grace will transform you and help you to see Him in everything.

another year of life to celebrate

Tomorrow is my 43rd birthday. I have completed 43 years of living. I'm beginning my 44th year on this earth. This isn't the traditional way to think of your birthday, but it's the way my dad has taught me to.

I started to think of my 43rd year and put together my annual report in my mind. So many happenings! So many friends! I'm not the same woman today as 364 days ago. I'm thankful for this fact. I have grown in ways I could not have dreamed. Though, there are some lessons I'm repeating that I haven't captured yet.
For this fact, I share vs 8b from Psalm 119, "Please, don't give up on me!"

So today, I make my to do list for year 44. I will strive to achieve excellence. The journey is not easy, but I will do my best.

Make time to be still and listen....say I love you to those I truly treasure regularly....remember there is joy in each and every morning....reflect on what has been but rejoice in what is....strive to grow in my gifts....tread in honesty and humbleness on this path I walk.



  

unforced rhythms of grace

2 Corinthians 12:9

My grace is enough for you; for where there is weakness, my power is shown the more completely.

I've been working through the Celebrate Recovery workbooks, again. Yes, I deal with compulsive behaviors. This is a fantastic study to help those of us who face addictive and compulsive behaviors. You don't have to be a drug addict or alcoholic to use this study.

The first workbook is titled, "Stepping Out of Denial into God's Grace". I can step out of denial when I admit there is a problem. But with these tendencies, it is so very easy to get stuck in the mindset of imperfection and failure. I must allow myself to be forgiven by God and myself. It's a vicious cycle of failure, hopelessness and insanity if I don't walk the road of forgiveness. I work very hard to walk in forgiveness.

Recently, I've had several people tell me the pain I'm experiencing is due to feeling unworthy and unrepentance/unforgiveness. I don't doubt that there have been times in my life this is the case, but as I searched out my heart and mind I don't feel that I'm in my current predicament due to this.

I shared this discouragement with my dear friend and she prayed with me and for me. While she was praying, she kept thinking the phrase "unforced rhythms of grace". I thanked her for sharing this thought and said I would meditate on it for a while. The visual in my mind was hundreds of ribbon streamers in a slight breeze. The rhythm and movement of the streamers flowed with such ease and without end.

Grace is defined as the unmerited favor of God. I know that I am one who walks this earth today because of the grace of God. There are so many times I should have been wiped out of existence, but God said He isn't finished with me yet.

If you're feeling discouraged, unworthy, or unforgivable, you're not alone. Look up and know that where you are weak, God is able to help you through His grace. The unforced rhythms of God's amazing grace are all around you.

nod if you understand

Jeremiah 6:14, TLB...You can't heal a wound by saying it's not there!

Pain is a tool of our bodies to say something isn't right. It pinches or pokes us to get our attention. It generally does get our attention. But, does it hold our attention? Do we tend to the pain or do we ignore it?

I've had pain for the past seven weeks that I've been tending to. The pain I felt in my back was similar to some I experienced 2 1/2 years ago. Sometimes I wonder if I had dealt with the pain earlier, would I have eliminated a surgery and recoup, but it doesn't matter now. I had to have the surgery and do the therapy.

But, I will never forget the day I didn't feel the pain anymore. It wasn't because I got used to it. The pain was no longer there. My wound was healed! I had to be cautious to sit and stand and bend the correct way to ensure a pain free life, but the pain was gone!

So when I felt a similar pain in a familiar place, I wanted to deal with it right away. I learned that I couldn't make it go away myself, so I asked my doctor what may be the problem. We tried multiple remedies. None seemed to cause the pain to diminish.  We ran some tests. Funny thing about medicine...it's a guessing game. My symptoms didn't match with the test results. So we continued to search out the pain source.

I will go this afternoon for the results of another test. There may be another wound I have to deal with. I don't understand why all this is happening, but I've learned you can't heal the wound completely if you don't tend to it. So here we go!!!

In my relationship life, I have found that if I don't deal with the pain that comes up with relationships, the wounds get bigger and deeper. Infection can take over healthy parts of your being. Patterns show up in how people continually offend me or set me off. Sarcasm or humor become a primary communication style. Outbursts of anger or with drawl takes over the interactions with others.

Three days ago, my mind took me back to a season about 10 years ago. I was searching for a place of healing from a wound that I experienced so very long ago. I had to dig deep in the wound and a wail came out of me that brought a release and a healing to me as I let go of the hurt. I remember exactly where I was sitting and who was with me when I faced the pain. I'm so grateful for my friends walked that road with me. I work hard to deal with pain when it is dealt to me as soon as I can, now so I don't have to experience that anymore.

Don't ignore the pain you feel. Don't say "whatever" when something hurts. Don't push your feelings aside. If we deal with the problem immediately, we save ourselves so much extra work. When we stuff our feelings to ignore the pain, we intoxicate our viewpoint. We need to keep ourselves in a healthy place and should be able to be in good relationship with God and with others. 

I'm looking forward to some answers soon.

believing the lies

Jeremiah 1:5  "Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you. Before you saw the light of day, I had holy plans for you: A prophet to the nations— that's what I had in mind for you."


Life has been extraordinarily busy these past 6 weeks. I love this time of year because I get to travel around and encourage leaders to reach their communities with God's love during the summer months. There's something that energizes me when I get to inspire others. I love that God created me to do this. I do believe using this gift is part of God's plan for me.... but... somewhere in this busy season a thought was planted in my mind that I think more of myself than I should, that my God given gifts are not what I think they are and that I don't have any substance in my life.  Those statements rattled around in my brain for a couple of weeks and I didn't dismiss them. At first, I was reminding myself of who God says I am, but the concept of God's plan for me became fainter and fainter.  And to top it all off, my body has been racked with pain due to illness and, I didn't just feel like it...I was actually losing my footing.
 
Last night, I was shuffling through these thoughts and three words came to mind: empty, barren and fruitless. I started to go through my life's check list and there was a reason to check every item on my list when it came to each of these words.  For some reason, I found holes in each part of my life-physically, relationally, financially, spiritually, emotionally, and everything else. When I woke up this morning, I felt so bogged down and hopeless, wondering how I could escape this day. But I do what I do each day-do what's on my to do list. I landed at my 7 am meeting and went through the motions of smiling and acting like I had my act together.  A woman from our gathering looked directly in my eyes and reinforced this verse to me. She quietly spoke into my heart and began to do a little CPR into my soul. After the meeting was concluded, another member put his hand on mine and shared an encouraging word that I do believe was from the heart of God. 
 
I'm so very very thankful for a Heavenly Father who is an encourager and full of grace. Everything isn't fixed...there's still some healing to take place-in my body, my mind and my soul. But I am so grateful to have friends who sense the heart of God and have the courage to speak what He puts on their hearts. I'll be praying Psalm 23 in the near future.
 
God, my shepherd! I don't need a thing. You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from. True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction. Even when the way goes through Death Valley, I'm not afraid when you walk at my side. Your trusty shepherd's crook makes me feel secure. You serve me a six-course dinner right in front of my enemies. You revive my drooping head; my cup brims with blessing. Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life. I'm back home in the house of God for the rest of my life.

patient communicator, not...

Nehemiah 9:16 (The Message)  16-19 But they, our ancestors, were arrogant;

bullheaded, they wouldn't obey your commands. They turned a deaf ear, they refused

to remember the miracles you had done for them; They turned stubborn, got it into their heads to return to their Egyptian slavery. And you, a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, Incredibly patient, with tons of love— you didn't dump them. Yes, even when they cast a sculpted calf

and said, "This is your god Who brought you out of Egypt," and continued from bad to worse, You in your amazing compassion didn't walk off and leave them in the desert. The Pillar of Cloud didn't leave them; daily it continued to show them their route; The Pillar of Fire did the same by night, showed them the right way to go.

I've spent the past 20 years of my life as a professional communicator. I've had lots of different venues. I find it is much easier to speak to large groups of people who just sit and listen to me than to speak to a few people. I really think the reason is because the large groups tend to not communicate back.  But I've worked on how to communicate to individuals, as well. My husband, Tony, can attest to this! :)
 
I've recently been reminded of how much work it is to build relationship with someone and learn how to communicate to them. I'm glad for the prayer that is mentioned in the underlined passage of Nehemiah.
And you, a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, Incredibly patient, with tons of love— you didn't dump them.
There are so so so many times I want to just drop this relationship I'm working on. It seems like they don't even care about the relationship. They twist what has been said. They make me feel like an outcast. They don't even try to see another point of view. Their walls are up and won't let me in. But.....
 

• God is gracious and compassionate. He doesn't dump me when I don't get what He is saying to me for the 4000th time!
• God is incredibly patient with me. He gives me so many do overs in my life.
• God lavishes more love on me than I can even fathom or receive.

Help me, Jesus, to not kick anyone to the curb because they don't put effort into the relationship because You don't endorse this. Help me to be an encourager to them. Help me to communicate effectively in a manner that allows the Holy Spirit to flow into the relationship in a big, big way!  I acknowledge You in all of this and give You the credit for the amazing, transforming things you will do!
 

law of love

I am looking at my Hannah Hurnard calendar. I love the snipets from the collection. January 15 is from Mountains of Spices-"Remember, the Kingdom of Heaven is everywhere the law of love is practiced and perfectly obeyed and where I, who am the King of Love, reign."

What a beautiful name for Jesus, King of Love. The love He represents is not measured in human terms. It is love that can't be earned or lost. It is a love that is not conditional or emotional.

I thought about how often I say, "I love this". It is far too often. I need to think before I speak that "love talk".

When I think about living out the law of love, it overwhelms me. I know that where there is much love, there is also much forgiveness.

I am one who has been in need of much forgiveness. I wish I had a quarter for everytime I've said I'm sorry. I'd be a rich girl! It's never easy to ask for forgiveness.

Proverbs 3:3 says let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.

you have not because you ask not

I want to make myself available to help out someone when they need me. I want to be a great team member. I want to be faithful to my calling. But I've been overwhelmed with my to do list in the past week.

This morning when I was getting dressed, I was talking with the Lord about all of it. I don't think I was complaining, just asking for some help getting it all done.

I opened my bible and found a slip of paper with 2 Corinthians 9:10-11 on it, so I looked at it.
"Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness. You will be enriched in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God."

Not 10 minutes later, I got a text from someone I had scheduled to give a ride to work that morning. She had someone else to take her! Later on, an appointment got postponed! Then, it started to snow, and my evening meeting was cancelled!

I got the most important items completed on my list today! I know that I will rest much sounder tonight, which in turn enables me to be much more generous tomorrow!

Thanks so much, God, for caring about my to do list!

past, present, future

Have you ever spent time with someone who continually reverts back to past experiences as if they are a reality for today? It gets very frustrating when you are a person who deals with the present and has vision for the future. I asked God to show me how to convey to a friend His thoughts on this.

If the past is more vivid than the vision of the present, you'll miss your vibrant future.

If we keep on reliving the past, we rob ourselves of the joy of today. There are many emotions that keep us tied to the past. Regret is a big one. Perhaps we didn't handle things like we should have. Maybe we mistreated those in our life. There are always things we wish we could go back and change, but can't. Regrets are so powerful, but one thing is for sure. If we are stuck in a pool of regret, we are caught in rebellion. God wants us leave what is behind and look toward Him today.

Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present. We get the chance to live our lives the way that God asks us to. We get to help the person in need. We get to sing a new song. We get to live with all our being. We get to love God with all our heart, mind, and strength. We get to love those around us and we don't have to wait!

The future hasn't even been written yet! When we are consumed with past events, we can't see to what may be. The only thing we see is what the present isn't.

If you are holding on to an injustice that had been done to you or someone you loved in the past, let it go, forgive and live in the day you have been given today. Let go of the past and look forward with expectancy to the future!