and so it begins...

2013 was a busy health year for my parents. We celebrated 75 years of life for my dad this past week. My mom's celebration is scheduled in 2 months.  Last year, dad was diagnosed with blood clots in his lungs. He had a head injury and the emergency room spotted the clots in a cat scan! He probably would have finished his time on earth if the clots weren't located. He battled through treatment and recovery. He seemed to be moving forward for a 74 year old man.  Then, mom found out she has breast cancer in September. What a shock! November brought about another episode for my dad with his blood clots. How grateful we are to have shared this holiday season together. I truly thought we would have been at his funeral before Thanksgiving...There are still some days ahead for all of us.




I just got notified mom's radiation treatment begins tomorrow. I don't want her to have to experience this awful thing! I guess she is stronger than I realize. I'm not sure why this is a surprise to me. Mike &  I gave her more of an emotional load to deal with than anyone ever should have to deal with.




2014:  a year of hope!  My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness...the words ring clear and true in my ears.  None of what has happened in 2013 took God by surprise.  The blood of Jesus is what gives me the ability to walk in God's presence with a confidence to know He holds all of us in the palm of His hand.  His right hand is stronger than anything else in existence. I'm walking beside Him, putting my left (weak) hand into His right hand. 




The scars we bear are just a reminder that He has never left us through all the struggle and battle, the tears and the empty sighs.  I choose not to look at the scars through the pain, but through the moments I have peace & joy because of the amazing love God covers me in during the battle.  God never promised life would be without problem or struggle when I chose to follow Him. 

Psalm 121

I look up to the mountains— does my help come from there? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth!  He will not let you stumble; the one who watches over you will not slumber. Indeed, he who watches over Israel never slumbers or sleeps. The Lord himself watches over you! The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade. The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon at night. The Lord keeps you from all harm and watches over your life. The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.

Lord, You wrote out the story of my family a long time ago. I know You want no harm to come to us. Sickness is just one of those things that is part of living in this broken world. Thanks for never leaving us through these days. I thank you for giving us the strength to not just survive but to overcome!  Thank you for watching over us as we come and go. 

The cheese stands alone

This morning (-8 degrees) Tony headed to sunny California (75 degrees) for a business trip for 3 days. Last night the water stopped flowing through the pipes. He left me here to deal with it. Tonight with a dramatic flourish a pipe burst. I wish I could say I'm bursting with joy...

The piles of things seem to be piling up around me all over the place. One good thing in the midst of the storm, I'm sure I'm in the place I need to be at right now.

The challenge with the piles is not to be overwhelmed and discouraged as they continue to grow. Boy, I wish I could control this! I'm breathing in and out slowly. I'm working hard to keep an attitude of thanksgiving. I have been pretty crabby today...

It feels like I'm in it alone, although I know I'm not. Sure, Tony packed his swim trunks...I'm psyching myself up to go through my waterlogged treasures.

Isaiah 41:13 I, The Lord your God, hold your right hand and say to you, "Do not fear. I will help you."

I like that God says he is holding my right hand. Being right handed, He's taking on my weaker side as He holds my right hand. Through this He's teaching me to live in victory through the battle.

somebody sat on me again!

As Mia Thermopolis is revealed to the audience in "The Princess Diaries", she is in the school courtyard...a student sits on her, not even aware of her presence.  She tells her friend, Lilly, "Somebody sat on me again."

I felt like that today. I know I'm not invisible. I know that I am making a mark on this world, doing the very thing I was created by my CREATOR to do... But the idea of people sitting on me is no less painful. Sometimes the "sitting" is when people scream awful untruths at me in their insecurity and others lash out  because they need to move on in the world but are unwilling to do so...these past 13 months have been filled with this. I'm tired...

Then the Lord reminded me of Psalm 121...

Psalm 121 The Message (MSG)  A Pilgrim Song

121 ^1-2 I look up to the mountains;
    does my strength come from mountains?
No, my strength comes from God,
    who made heaven, and earth, and mountains.

^3-4 He won’t let you stumble,
    your Guardian God won’t fall asleep.
Not on your life! Israel’s
    Guardian will never doze or sleep.

^5-6 God’s your Guardian,
    right at your side to protect you—
Shielding you from sunstroke,
    sheltering you from moonstroke.

^7-8 God guards you from every evil,
    he guards your very life.
He guards you when you leave and when you return,
    he guards you now, he guards you always.

 

I wish I knew what moonstroke is...does it hurt like sunburn?

 

Well...I am thrilled to know that God never sleeps in the midst of any of my troubles! God is on this (that's me!) pilgrim's journey! So, I guess it never takes God by surprise that someone sat on me again. Thanks, God, for the sighting of you in my life. This brings me peace & joy in the midst of the trial.

the center

My washing machine has an old fashioned agitator in it. It is the center of all that happens in my washing machine. It moves the water, soap & clothes around. It is what makes the whole thing work!  Without the agitator, my laundry isn't quite the same. I use it to measure where the load is laid.  When the balance of the machine is off, the whole thing tries to move across my floor, like in the movie, Mr. Mom. 

1 Kings 8:56-58  May he keep us centered and devoted to him, following the life path he has cleared, watching the signposts, walking at the pace and rhythms he laid down for our ancestors.-The Message.

In the windy journey I've faced, I find myself thankful Jesus is my center. Debris has been kicked up in my face & has tried to hit me from behind.  I will not be distracted from the rhythm God has created in my life. I will walk according to the pace He has set.

The rhythm consists of prayer, bible meditation & study, serving others, spending time with my friends & family. The pace varies in seasons. Lately the pace has been rapid and hard.

I continue to put my life in God's hands.  He must be the center...Sunday I was reminded by Lauren, a 6th grader, as I was recanting the tale of Joshua and the day the sun stood still. I made the remark that the sun stopped moving...and she quizzically said, "Doesn't the Earth move around the sun?" 

Thanks, Lauren, for reminding me what is at the center of everything!

Lord, when I am underequipped for what I am experiencing, help me to remember that you are my Center, my Balance, my Rhythm. You speak to me that I may hear what pace to take, what words to say, what part of the burden to pick up and what part to surrender.  Thank you so much that I am not in this alone! Help me to remember the signposts that have been posted in the past and look for the signposts of today!

a little bit of a distraction...

I haven't written here in such a long time, although I've been old school writing in a spiral notebook because my writings were a bit more personal than I felt comfortable revealing. My journey these past months have been testing my ability to stay focused on the tasks set before me.  And the latest distraction is happening today.

Wednesday, I went to a quarterly doctor checkup to look into the fibroids I have growing in me for the past 19 months.  I have them tended to every 3 months. Last September, I had surgery to remove them.  They keep returning.  Doc said to me this one can't be dealt with in the office, must be surgically removed as soon as possible.  My head spins for a moment and I catch myself. No need to worry until they give you something to worry about. I've been in this situation before.  I'm not going to be distracted by this.  I'll deal with it as it comes.

I had decided to keep this event quiet because people tend to react to my distraction as if it is their distraction.  I know others love and care for me, but in my line of work, people look to me for counsel and I can't carry them through my distraction.  Then, others made this part of my life public yesterday...so I share some of my thoughts here.

I head to surgery this afternoon.  My schedule has been uprooted for this week, which is a distraction for me.  I'll find out to what degree my schedule will be uprooted for the future next week, which is a distraction for me. 

I'm glad to know that this distraction will not take me off of the path that has been laid out before me, before I was born.  I know there is a plan and a purpose for this season. I want to stay focused on who I am through this season.  I know there can be some beauty in this distraction.  I'm anxiously awaiting the great reveal of this one!

I focus on Romans 15:13 (which I have shared with so many of my friends in difficult times this summer) I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

I am confident with hope and I do have peace...except the unsure feeling that the nurse putting in the IV can find the right place to start it all...ugh

 

chaos & faith

The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It’s our handle on what we can’t see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd. Hebrews 11:1 (the message)

This season has been so crazy! Changes and challenges have been around every corner, looming over me, trying to trip me, causing me to have moments of extraordinary doubt....if I could go back a year and make some other decisions...sometimes it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace.

Yesterday, a friend told me that I like to live in chaos. Sigh....I don't like to live there, nor do I want to live there. Yes, sometimes, there are messes around me-some I create and some that others create or leave behind.  My commitment says I will do my best to keep things moving in the direction that God guides me in.
January 2012 I agreed to help bring some leadership to family ministry at our church...February 2012 I agreed to help lead the board of local inner city ministry...I made a commitment to God for a year of leading these areas and then we would reevaluate. The year has come up and I feel I've done my job, but the work of leading isn't done.  The jobs have gotten bigger than I ever imagined. Other leaders have stepped away and I find myself asking God, "Why didn't you let me know about all of this in the beginning of my commitment? Am I really the person You want to use to do this?" 

Interestingly enough, at the time these separate scenarios came up, I was partnered with a wonderful couple for encouragement for this season.  They are so encouraging and empowering! She likes to share mementos with me.  The first surprise I received is the a small desk plaque about faith (the picture above).  I put it on my makeshift desk so I could see it every time I put myself in the office.  It's amazing how much this scripture has become my mantra throughout this season of change.  I know this couple had no idea what would be facing us in this season of change, which at times has felt like chaos.  Their faith has been extended to me and aides me to walk in a place of confidence and peace.

Sometimes the job is so big that I can't tend to every single detail and make everything look like I have it in control. This is okay. Life is messy. People create messes. God is perfect, not me. If I don't have the plan completely marked out, I have faith that God will guide through -no matter what. That's why I am really inspired by the Message version of Hebrews 11:1-faith is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It’s our handle on what we can’t see. 

I think faith in God is the way we can keep moving forward when we see the messes that we can't manage.  I love living the life I have the privilege of living! I hope you find yourself in a place of loving your life. I cannot wait to see how God makes all of these situations happen so that He can receive the honor and the glory of working it out! God equips us!

Thanks so much, God, for placing encouragement (my most excellent encouragers!) along the journey!  You keep my faith alive and enable me to keep working at the tasks set before me.  This is what makes life worth living!

By the way, I'm not accepting the word of chaos over my life.  I searched out the biblical use of the word "chaos" and found it to signify an abyss or destruction.  I do not believe that I live in that place.  I live in the land of the living!

i've never been perfect

Matthew 5:48 But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.

this verse always throws me off.
perfect ...flawless ...superlative ...accomplished... absolute ...faultless ...finished ...ideal ...bleh!

sometimes i feel so unprepared and unskilled to live life.  i wonder if there are cells missing from my brain that cause me to be able to finish things.  whether i poop out, quit, or shut down-well, I'm not sure. completing the task would seem to be the perfect thing to do. but one more time i fall short of perfection.

this weekend, tony headed out for his fall camping trip. he loves to sleep outside, walk in the wondrous color of the trees, admire the stars, & cook over the fire.  i decided that i would attack my office and get it organized while he is away filling up on creation.  yesterday, i started to move bins out into the hallway. i emptied my filing cabinets-the drawers stick. i put up some file bins on some shelves. then i looked around and realized this organizing technique would work for a lot of my piles of stuff, so i put up another shelf.  28 hours later, i don't want to do this anymore. there are still bins in the hallway. the empty filing cabinets are in the bedroom, there is stuff to load in the truck for the dumpster and tony is coming home tomorrow. for the record, i did not spend the entire 28 hours in this room...i had other things to work on, too.

i find myself getting negative and desperate with my self talk. i am reminded that this above listed verse is not just about being perfect like God is...it is a verse that speaks to the previous verses of loving your neighbor and your enemies. Jesus is saying to love others like God loves them. The other stuff we get focused on gets us out of balance.

Sometimes i can be my own worst enemy. i know to watch my self talk. i know to put on music when i get overwhelmed and discouraged. i know to reach out to a friend and ask for help...but i don't. thankfully, i get the chance to get a little more perfect tomorrow and the next day and the next day.

when you feel like you don't measure up, for whatever reason...don't look at the pile of what is left (which i would like to refer to as the old me)...look at the work that has been done (which i would like to refer to as the new me).


we are all a work in progress. let's work together to make tomorrow a little more perfect than today! a little more sublime, superb, & splendid! (yes, i know how to use the thesaurus!)