Sunday, September 25, 2011

the weser adventure

It all happened in a few short moments. Someone said there was a need and I felt compelled to meet it. Friends were taking a 9 day business trip and needed someone to look after their three kids and two dogs while they were gone. I looked at my calendar and there was nothing pressing on it to keep me from pitching in. After all, that's what I do-pitch in.

Joe & Angela Weser are on a road to becoming the Chi Alpha directors at my college Alma mater, Youngstown State University. This trip was their induction, interview and empowerment to do this incredible task. I love the Weser's and I love my community. The least I could do was care for their family.

The kids are great! So full of energy and life! I wanted to keep their routines in place so life as they know it would go on, but with a different adult in the helm.  We went to soccer games, did homework, kept bedtimes and went to church.  I asked them some of their favorite places to go and they filled me in. Most of them are not places I frequent, but I wanted to please them so I caved.

Little did I know how this trip would change me. Strangely, I came face to face with two families I met while at YSU. They weren't families then, but we were part of each other's lives. I think each time I would think about them over the years regret was a big part of the memory.

After church on Sunday, we went to Taco Bell. I don't think Tony & I have ever gone to Taco Bell together in the 16 plus years we've been together. We all stood in line to put in our order. The kids grabbed their drink cups to fill up on whatever caffeinated beverage they could find. I looked up as I waited for the food and found myself standing next to a college boyfriend. When we graduated from college, I realized that I needed to get my priorities straight and decided to follow Jesus with all of my heart. I tried to drag him along with me, but he let me know that wasn't going to happen. Not long after this, he began dating one of my dearest college friends. They got married and have two beautiful kids together. I lost touch with her for too many years. I said hello to him and he just looked at me, puzzled. He didn't recognize me. I actually said, "It's Lori." When I said this, he said, "Did you see Kim?" I smiled while he got Kim's attention. I got to catch up with her and I'm sure we'll get together soon.

I always felt terrible for the "christian impression" I left on him. I always wondered in the back of my mind if he would have decided to let Jesus fill up the hurts and holes in his heart if I had not been so offensive and aggressive. Regret is a terrible thing to carry around.

Later Sunday afternoon, one of the kids was getting a ride to a soccer game. The driver just happened to be another college friend. Well, he was more than a friend. He was my fiance'. I found it a little hard to breathe in that moment because, again, the regret I felt regarding the way I treated him when I ended our relationship. I knew I couldn't marry him but, I didn't show him the love that Jesus would have wanted me to show him. I don't think I knew how to show anyone the love that Jesus would want me to show them at that point in my life. He smiled at me and gave a good wave to me. I have a had a few encounters with him over the years and we have cordially talked, but again, I walked away with the gnawing feeling in my gut of regret.

Later in the week, late at night while letting the dogs out, I had a talk with the Lord about this ridiculous experience I had on Sunday. I pretty much cried out and said to Him, "Why in the world would I come face to face with both of these people in one day! I wouldn't have seen either of them if I wasn't with these kids! Ugh! You know how I feel about what I did. How long do I have to feel like this, Lord? I can't change the past!" And the Holy Spirit cried out to me and said, "But look at how I have changed you!" I rested in that thought for a few moments and felt a release that I needed for so long. I felt assured that the past mistakes had been forgiven. The results of drawing those people to Jesus was not on my shoulders. The actions I show them now and in the future are my responsibility.

The Weser's came home from their trip last night and I was so very excited to see the change in them, the passion they have to get on that campus, and the love they have for their family! I wondered for a moment if someone like them had been on my campus when I was there, would I have made the same life choices I did. I am praying for them to impact young adults in our community to follow Jesus as they develop their gifts and abilities in their schooling.

I am so excited about this unexpected change in me from this trip! When I agreed to babysit, I never thought I would have a transformation in me.  Forgetting what is behind and pressing toward the mark of who Jesus has asked me to be! I feel free.

Monday, September 12, 2011

the stress of needing the password

For some reason, I have not been able to sign into my blog site for the past couple of weeks. I also have not pursued the answer to why that has been the case. So I spent a few neccessary moments taking care of this today.

Every account I have on the internet requires a password. It is overwhelming trying to keep track of them all...which email did I use for the account...did I use all caps for this one....am I being cryptic enough not to give away all of my identity and money!

Some days I think I'd like to have the chip in my hand to sign in easily into everything. I don't care about the information that is no longer private, just make the journey easier PLEASE!!!!!

I'm so very glad I don't have to log in on a sign in screen every single time I want to connect to God! It's a constant state of mind for me. I am thankful for this, as well.

I don't have to be cryptic with God in the things I say. I don't have to worry about giving away the details. He's interested in the details of me. He loves me. He cares about me. He wants the best for me. He wants me to succeed. He wants me to follow Him. He mapped out the journey for me. He created my identity.

Lord, help me to remember that my all is wrapped up in You! You wrapped it up for me. Thanks that You are always there when I need to sign in with you. Thanks that I don't have to jump through hoops or go through multiple sign in screens to connect to you!  Thanks that you care so very much about the details of me! Help me not to give away the identity You gave to me! I'm really starting to love the me You've made me to be :)